Harriette Cole: I tried to help, but now I just need to escape her

DEAR HARRIETTE: I gave a friend some cash when she was in desperate need a few months ago. I did it knowing that she wouldn’t be able to repay me. That’s why I made it a gift.

Since that time, her circumstances haven’t improved much. She is struggling, but I am not in a position to help her financially anymore.

I have recommended all kinds of things that she can do, including looking for work outside of her area of training. She lives in a city where I believe she could find something if she tried, but I don’t see her trying at all, at least not in a realistic way. Instead, she seems to complain all the time about what she doesn’t have.

I find this exhausting. I don’t want to listen to it anymore. Is it wrong of me to cut ties with her during this dark period? I have tried to help her, but now it feels like she is bringing me down with her.

— Time To Pivot

DEAR TIME TO PIVOT: Self-preservation is essential, even for kind people. You can and should set up boundaries to protect yourself.

Tell your friend you love her, and then pivot to paying attention to your own life. Focus on what you need to do to be whole and healthy. Limit your interactions with this woman.

When she starts going negative during a call, end it. Tell her you can no longer talk about dark things. Touch base periodically via text with a positive message.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I find myself in a difficult situation with a close friend I met when I moved to Minneapolis for my job two years ago.

I need your advice on how to navigate this matter as I have only made a few friends in Minnesota, and I don’t want to lose one.

Recently, I discovered my friend had been speaking poorly about me and my family behind my back. Another mutual friend overheard a conversation in which this woman called me ugly and my family members weird, and now the atmosphere between us is tense.

I valued this friendship, and it’s disheartening to think that my friend harbors negative feelings or opinions about me and my family.

I am unsure how to address the issue without escalating the situation or causing irreparable damage to our relationship. Should I confront her directly about what I’ve heard, or is there a more subtle approach to addressing the underlying problem?

— Disloyal Friend

DEAR DISLOYAL FRIEND: I get that you feel like you don’t have many friends, but I want to ask you if this “friend” is worth keeping. It sounds like she is proving herself not to be a friend but more of a disruptor.

You absolutely should confront her directly. Tell her what you personally overheard and what your mutual friend shared with you.

Ask her why she chose to talk about you at all, let alone with mutual friends. What was her motive for doing that? Does she think this is the way a friend behaves? If she has issues with you, why wouldn’t she tell you directly? Listen to her answers to see if there is any merit to what she has to say.

If I were you, I would cut ties with her. She has proven to be disloyal. You don’t need her friendship that much.

Choose selectively as you build relationships. Look for people who will treat you with respect.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.