DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a birthday party at a local restaurant. It is a cuisine I’m not terribly fond of, although I can usually find something. I went because the guest of honor is a dear friend.
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I wasn’t planning to eat anything, and the restaurant doesn’t have a liquor license, so I chose not to drink.
I finally gave in and ordered an appetizer because several well-meaning friends wouldn’t accept my “nothing for me, thanks” as an answer. (Don’t get me started on the number of suggestions I received regarding wine and beer.)
What’s ruder: Not eating at a restaurant because it makes others around me uncomfortable, or pushing me to order when I’ve tried to politely decline?
GENTLE READER: The reason Miss Manners does not play the “Which is Ruder?” game is that the prize invariably seems to be the victor using the win to justify a third rudeness — be it repeating the original offense or rudely correcting the loser’s manners.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there any rules of etiquette for speaking to strangers sitting beside you on a plane?
I was on a long flight, surrounded by six people from the same party, and I was never even addressed by any of them.
I was seated between two gentlemen. Two ladies were in the row ahead of us, and two more ladies were in the row behind. The six of them were conversing off and on throughout the flight, but for the entire time, I was treated as if I were not even there.
I sensed that trying to start a conversation with one of them would have resulted in polite rejection. After the flight landed, I could not help but feel a little let down because of all the conversation I had listened to but could not be a part of.
Was this dysfunctional behavior on anyone’s part? Should one of them at least have said “How do you do?” to me?
GENTLE READER: Most people, Miss Manners dares say, would have been grateful to be left out of such conversations — but not to be talked over, which is the point where your fellow passengers failed to meet the standards of civility.
This inconvenient separation of the gabby party would have provided a natural point of introduction. They could have asked if you were willing to exchange seats so that they could speak without disturbing you. Or you could have offered. This would have given you the opportunity either to agree or to introduce yourself to the group.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two sons, 17 and 21. I moved about five hours away from where they grew up. My 21-year-old had moved across the country, and my 17-year-old decided to stay with his dad.
Well, within two weeks, both of them ended up moving in with me, and my home is very small. My husband and I decided to rent an apartment for them.
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Neither one of them has a job, and when I go over to their apartment, they’re lazily lying around a messy house and playing video games.
I’m kind of at a loss about what to do. Do you have any suggestions?
GENTLE READER: Board games?
[Sound familiar? A letter apparently from the same mother was answered earlier this month by Dear Abby.]
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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