DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend’s boyfriend is always the one picking up her phone when I call.
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He’ll be like, “Hey, she’s in the shower, but I can take a message if you want.” Honestly, I feel like it’s unnecessary because I know she’ll see my missed call and ring back when she’s free.
It bugs me because it’s like he’s always got her phone, and I don’t want him accidentally reading our private chats. I barely text her now, worried he might see it, and that’s stressing me out about what he might know from our conversations.
It’s getting to me, and I’m not sure how to bring it up without causing drama.
— Blocker
DEAR BLOCKER: You’ve got two things to do right away. First, figure out how you and your best friend can spend time together alone — and soon.
When you are together, ask her about her life and probe to learn as much as you can about her boyfriend. Is she really happy? Does she feel smothered? How else does he exhibit control over her? Does she feel safe? Tell her that you are a bit concerned because she no longer answers her phone, and it seems like he has taken away her autonomy. Observe her to get a sense of what’s actually going on, as she might not tell you.
As far as your private communications go, suggest that she erase all of your text history so that your relationship can be as private as possible, though you should assume that he already has looked through it.
If there is something you have shared that could put you in a compromising position, you will have to deal with that. In the future, don’t text any of that sensitive stuff.
If you think your friend is ever in immediate danger, remind her that help is only a phone call away: 800-799 SAFE (7233), or text 88788 to reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 30-year-old woman, and I live alone. Recently, my closest friend has developed a habit of visiting to watch a movie, only to end up falling asleep, turning our hangout into an impromptu sleepover.
While I value our time together, her unplanned stays disrupt my minor plans, such as cleaning and organizing.
How can I kindly address this situation without hurting our friendship, ensuring our time together remains enjoyable while also respecting my need to stick to my routines and responsibilities?
— Boundaries
DEAR BOUNDARIES: Tell your friend that you love her, but movie night can no longer be an automatic sleepover.
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Explain that while you enjoy her company, you would prefer for your evenings to end with her going home. So set a time limit. Make sure that the time you spend together is special, and give her a heads-up that lights out will be at a particular time.
If she has dozed off, nudge her awake and send her on her way. You may find that occasionally it’s easier to let her stay, but not at first if you want to set new boundaries. She may not like this, but she will get used to it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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