Miss Manners: It was unsettling that she wouldn’t tell me which twin she was

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an acquaintance of identical twins who look so similar that it is hard to distinguish who is who.

Related Articles

Miss Manners: How can I put off the pushy grandparents?

Miss Manners: Is it wrong to tell people how rich I’m going to be?

Miss Manners: Everyone thinks it’s a bad idea, but I want to go to her 16th birthday party

Miss Manners: Is it unseemly to let my guests know they can try my fancy bathroom?

Miss Manners: A woman I barely know gave me a bad reputation with this group

We all participate in the same recreational activity, so I am often in a situation of wanting to greet one of them but not knowing which twin I am greeting.

Should I just say “Hello” or “Good morning” with no name attached? Or take a guess at which twin it is and hope I don’t get it wrong?

The other day, I greeted one of them by name (I took a guess) and then immediately apologized for possibly having gotten her name wrong. She responded with a smile and a “don’t worry about it” look and greeted me back.

I found out later from a friend that I had, indeed, guessed correctly, but it was unsettling not to know.

What would have been the proper thing to do?

GENTLE READER: Calling someone by the wrong name is never flattering, even when there is a good reason for the mistake. So unless you can improve your odds well beyond 50%, let’s rule out guessing.

Miss Manners instead recommends “Hello” — followed by whatever conversation will most quickly, and seamlessly, match your friend to her identity.

You may be sure that both twins have dealt with this situation enough to know that no offense is intended — and perhaps to subtly amuse themselves by not helping you make a positive identification.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I ride bikes with my buddies several times a week, going 30 miles or so in two hours. We don’t usually stop, except for an occasional mechanical issue or water break.

One evening, we crossed paths with another biking group that included several friends I hadn’t seen for a couple of years. They stopped to say hi, so I stopped, too. My buddies waited for me down the road.

I ended up chatting for about five minutes.

When I caught up to my group, one of my riding buddies was extremely unhappy and wouldn’t converse with me. I asked if he was upset, and he said something about the “chat” being too long.

Was I rude or selfish to hold up my buddies? Should I have kept my chat to a much shorter time?

GENTLE READER: You should have apologized for keeping your party waiting. But assuming that you and your buddies are not 10 years old — and, come to think of it, even if you are — there were more mature ways for your friend to respond to the inconvenience.

Related Articles

Dear Abby: I’ve been canceled for speaking my mind as a loving grandmother

Ask Amy: We’re looking into parenthood. Is it as awful as it sounds?

Harriette Cole: All I remember of this horrible event is my friends whispering together

Miss Manners: How can I put off the pushy grandparents?

Dear Abby: I was blunt about his mistake with his girlfriend, and now he won’t speak to me

He could, when you stopped, have politely said that if you thought you were going to be some time, then they would proceed without you. Or he could have offered to wait if you did not think it would be long.

Either way would have prompted you to clarify what you were asking them to do — and for how long.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.