DEAR HARRIETTE: Having unexpectedly inherited a significant sum of money, I had intentions of assisting my siblings financially. However, their apparent sense of entitlement and subtle guilt-tripping have made dealing with this situation more challenging than anticipated.
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I never foresaw money causing disruptions in our family dynamic, and now I’m conflicted with how to manage the complexities of their expectations, my original plans and maintaining a harmonious relationship.
How can I negotiate this delicate balance and follow through with financial assistance without compromising family bonds?
— Inheritance
DEAR INHERITANCE: The aftermath of a death often brings up a swell of emotions and odd behaviors among family members.
The fact that you inherited money that you want to share with your family — although it sounds like you aren’t legally bound to do so — puts you in an interesting position.
It’s your generosity that is at the heart of the matter, along with family members vying for whatever cash they can get. More than likely, there’s a lot of emotion mixed in there having to do with whoever passed on and why you are the one holding the money.
Do your best to stay calm and neutral as family members experience their grief in different ways.
Take some time by yourself to think this through. Apart from the bickering, how would you like to support your siblings? What feels like an honorable way to share the bounty? Consult a tax attorney to ensure that you don’t create an extra financial burden on them when you do give them cash.
You are not the expert here, so get professional help to make sure you follow all the laws and take care of your loved ones.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin often seeks advice from me, especially on relationships, finances and career decisions. Though I offer guidance, he tends to make decisions that lead to regret.
This emotional roller coaster is affecting me, and I want to convey that I’d rather not hear about it if he won’t consider my advice. How can I communicate this without straining our relationship?
— Establishing Boundaries
DEAR ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES: Sounds like it is time for your cousin to seek professional help.
I’m going to assume that you are not a therapist, financial adviser or career coach, so while your advice may have been thoughtful, it is not professionally based.
Tell your cousin that you need to draw the line. Clearly, he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with. You see now that his problems are above your capacity to handle. Recommend that he get professional help.
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In the future when he starts in by telling you a story and asking for advice, stop him. Remind him that you can no longer advise him. You may have to get up and walk away, change the subject or get off the phone — whatever it takes to break the cycle. This may be the only way for him to take you seriously.
It may be awkward at first, but if you remain vigilant and stop listening or giving advice, eventually he will stop asking.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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