DEAR MISS MANNERS: The wedding of the son of a good friend is coming up in a few weeks. I have known about this for months, and my husband and I planned to attend.
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A few days ago, our elderly neighbor died. We were close with him and his wife, sharing occasional dinners, impromptu movie nights, and hours spent visiting and talking.
His memorial service has just been announced, and, of course, it is scheduled to overlap with the wedding.
My friend whose son is getting married has already expressed frustration with others who have RSVP’d “no” to the wedding.
My husband and I do not feel that either party would be happy if we split the events (if one of us attended the wedding and one attended the memorial). The memorial is more important than the wedding, and we can still attend the reception afterward.
What is your suggestion? I may be putting my friendship on the line, but how can I not fully support my elderly neighbor in her time of grief?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would support your both attending the funeral, with appropriate apologies to the bride, the bridegroom and the bridegroom’s mother.
Neither the neighbor nor your friend may be happy if you attend one event and your husband the other — but neither will either party be in a position to voice discontent without sounding heartless.
That the funeral is more important than the wedding need not be mentioned to the bridal family.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been conflicted about whether to reestablish contact with a former girlfriend from college.
I’m now in my late 60s; this was way back. The relationship didn’t last very long, and I regret a lot about how I handled it. (I was a jerk.)
For many years afterward, we were in sporadic touch, but we haven’t seen each other since college. When I sent her some old photos for her 50th birthday, she seemed delighted to hear from me, and for a few weeks we emailed back and forth.
But then, for no reason I could tell, she ghosted me. My best guess is that it was because of bad associations with our past relationship, so I decided to respect her space and not keep trying to get in touch.
I do follow her online — she’s become an accomplished writer — and her posts make me think that, underneath, she’s much the same person I knew.
Anyway, time is passing and I wonder if I should try getting in contact again. I feel that we shared a lot and wish we had stayed friends. She seems to have had a wonderfully rich and interesting life that I’d love to know more about.
GENTLE READER: The reason newspapers run stories about lost loves who are reunited after a lifetime apart is that it happens so infrequently.
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Miss Manners does not say this to question your motive for wanting to reconnect, but to remind you that, whatever you may have read on the internet, it is unlikely you still know this person who, like yourself, has not been 19 for half a century.
If you want to learn more about her rich and interesting life, buy her books. If you want to keep in sporadic touch, send a laudatory email.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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