DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in a three-year relationship with my boyfriend, and things have been going well.
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Recently, he expressed a desire for us to take our relationship to the next level and move in together. While I care for him and can see a future together, I am hesitant about moving in before we are engaged. This hesitation is rooted in my religious beliefs, which emphasize the sanctity of marriage.
I’ve shared my perspective with him, explaining that I would feel more comfortable cohabiting if we were engaged first. However, he seems disappointed and doesn’t fully understand my reservations.
I don’t want to strain our relationship, but I also want to stay true to my values. How can I navigate this situation and communicate the importance of my beliefs without causing tension?
I care about him a lot, but I want to ensure that we are on the same page regarding the timing and commitment of major relationship milestones.
— Values in Question
DEAR VALUES IN QUESTION: Now is a perfect time for you two to talk about the future more specifically than you have thus far.
Be open and clear about your religious views and what they mean to you. Describe how you envision your life five years from now, 10 years, and so on.
Acknowledge that you know that many people choose to live together as they build their relationships, but you do not want to do that.
Tell him that next steps for you include planning your life together. If he is serious about being with you, what does he want?
Rather than considering this conversation as a source of tension, suggest that it is an opportunity for you to think seriously about the future.
At the three-year mark, you should have a sense of whether you want to commit to being with this person. Talk it out. Determine if you share enough values to be able to go the distance. If so, stick by your desire to be engaged before moving in. If not, move on.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a good friend who is getting up in age, and I have noticed that her memory isn’t very good anymore. She knows it, too, which I guess is good.
I want to be able to support her when we are talking, but I’m not quite sure what to do. I don’t want to insult her by reminding her of things too often, but I feel like it could even be helpful for me to identify myself sometimes so she doesn’t have to search her brain for my name.
How can I be supportive during this difficult time?
— Memory Loss
DEAR MEMORY LOSS: Since your friend knows she is suffering from memory loss, you can tell her that you want to help in any way that you can. Ask her what would help the most.
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Definitely identify yourself every time you call. Just say your name, something like, “Hi. It’s Harriette calling.” That way she doesn’t have to guess.
Send her texts after you talk or visit with each other with reminders of things you discussed or agreed to do. Remind her of stories that you have shared, and try not to get frustrated if she doesn’t recall them.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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