DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve invested a lot of effort in planning my close friend’s wedding and helping coordinate the engagement.
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However, despite this involvement, I recently discovered that I’m not her maid of honor.
Should I have a conversation with her about feeling left out, express my disappointment or consider scaling back my level of involvement in the wedding preparations?
— Feeling Snubbed
DEAR FEELING SNUBBED: Weddings are among the most emotionally volatile events one can ever experience, no matter your role in it. That includes being a close friend of the bride.
In your mind, you feel that it is natural that you should be the maid of honor. The bride clearly felt otherwise.
It is worth talking to her about, especially since you are feeling it so viscerally.
Sit down with her at a moment when she is not distracted. Tell her that you were surprised to learn that you were not asked to be the maid of honor. Ask her why. Know that this may be difficult for her to answer, as it can feel like a confrontation.
Remind her of all of the help you have been providing. Tell her that you would like to step back and give those duties to the person she has chosen as MOH. That doesn’t mean that you will walk away completely, but if you feel like you have put your life on hold to help organize her wedding, you can stop doing that if the role has been assigned to someone else.
You will need to be firm on what you are willing to do as a bridesmaid — assuming you received that invitation — and what constitutes going too far. Do your best to forgive your friend for not honoring you with the role you expected.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student preparing to study abroad in Spain, and while I’m excited about the experience, I’m also feeling a bit anxious.
I’ve been socially reserved during my two years at a university in America, and this study-abroad opportunity feels like a chance to break out of my shell.
The unique situation is that I have a close friend who will also be joining me on this journey. While I value our friendship, I don’t want to completely rely on her as my only friend throughout my time abroad. The idea of stepping out of my comfort zone is both thrilling and terrifying.
How do I approach this new chapter in a way that allows me to make the most of the experience and form meaningful connections with people beyond my existing friend? How can I overcome my social reservations and build new friendships while studying abroad in Spain?
— A Chance To Fly
DEAR A CHANCE TO FLY: Promise yourself that you will make new friends and regularly have new experiences.
Make it a goal to meet at least one new person each week and do one thing weekly with someone else independent of your friend. Keep your eyes open for people who look interesting to you, and walk right up to them and start a conversation. What’s there to lose? You are in a foreign country. Nobody is judging you.
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Commit to exploring the country with and without you friend. Drum up the courage to exercise your independence. Remember that you are not responsible for your friend, even though you have agreed to spend time with her while you’re there.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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