Miss Manners: I was jeered for what I thought would be a kind act

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send a handwritten note of condolence to my old college beau who lost his wife to cancer?

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I thought that someone who once meant a great deal to me would appreciate a kind note of acknowledgement for his loss, though we’ve of course not corresponded for many years.

However, the mutual friend who told me the news jeeringly said, when I mentioned sending a condolence note, “No one wants to hear from an old girlfriend!” (Emphasis on “old.”)

I admit to being taken aback. My college sweetheart and I were very close for a number of years, so long ago.

GENTLE READER: What your friend is suggesting, not nicely, is that your former beau will interpret this as, “I see you are single now. Remember me?”

But people do want to hear from their old contacts of all kinds. That is one of the prime uses of social media. (Well, that and showing off in the hopes of impressing acquaintances, both old and new.)

You could mention a husband or partner if you think your condolences might be taken amiss. But Miss Manners urges you not to stifle a kindness out of such a fear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one handle people who constantly talk over and interrupt you, telling the same old stories over and over again? They might even preface the stories with, “I know I’ve told you this story before.”

If and when the interrupter eventually says, “Oh, what were you saying?” I’ve started replying, “I forget.” They only launch into another talking marathon.

Has the art of conversation completely disappeared? What can one do to deal with these situations without being rude?

GENTLE READER: It is one of the costs of intimacy to listen to repeated stories. Extra credit if you remind someone to tell a favorite story to a new audience, and then act as if you have never heard it before. And in the case of those with serious memory problems, it is a kindness to keep appearing to listen.

But Miss Manners does not lack sympathy for the beleaguered listener. What you can say, whether asked or not, is, “Oh, yes! That’s a wonderful story.” Sad to say, the speaker does not always smile and desist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 82 years old. A new acquaintance, a woman about 70, recently saw some photos in my home of the younger me. She asked, “As an old woman, is it difficult for you, having been beautiful?”

I ignored the question and she didn’t pursue it. For the record: I was never beautiful, but I was photogenic, and as a professional in the fashion and beauty industry, I made the most of my looks.

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What should I have replied?

GENTLE READER: “Why? Are you finding it difficult to be beautiful?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I get a little bothered when unmarried people call their partner’s mother their mother-in-law.

I assume the phrase “in law” means “by legal marriage.” Am I wrong in my assumption?

GENTLE READER: Would you prefer mother-outlaw?

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.